The other day, I watched a video by a young mother who was quite incensed about the condition that her children came home in after spending time with grandma.  She was vehemently angry.

I was rather taken back by her anger.

She was upset because her mother and father fed her two daughters candy and soda pop when the granddaughters came for a visit.  The grandparents didn’t put the granddaughters down for a nap.  Nor did they put them down at their regular bed time.

The mother complained how she had to ‘detox’ her daughters every time they came home from grandma’s house.

The video cut away to show a little girl about two-years-old wallowing on the floor, whining.  The mother said this was how her daughter acted after spending time at grandma’s house.

Then it showed another girl about four-years-old.  The mother asked the little girl what she ate at grandma’s house.  The little girl replied, “Candy.”  Then, the mother said, “And what about soda pop?  Does grandma let you drink that?”  To which the little girl replied, “Yes.”  Somehow, it came off as if the mother had prepped the little girl in what to say.

The video ended with the mother weakly saying that she did appreciate that her parents spent time with her children.  Really, she did.  And that it was so nice that the grandparents and grandchildren were developing a relationship.  But after all of the strong venting at the beginning, the I-really-appreciate-my-parents at the end came off extremely week.  Extremely.

I’ve been pondering this video for a couple of days now and have decided to write about it here.  I’d like to give advice to all my grandmother readers so that their grandchildren won’t have to be detoxed when they go home.

Advice #1:  Limit the amount of sugary treats and foods that you give to your grandchildren.  You probably didn’t give tons to your children.  Follow the same common sense with your grandchildren!

I know that grandmas often feel compelled to give grandchildren cookies, candy, cakes, and other sugar-laden edibles.  Just keep in mind: moderation in all things.  A little bit of sugar goes a long way.  I’m not against treats.  Just gobs and gobs and gobs and gobs and gobs of it.  (Well for grandchildren, anyway.  Tons for me are just fine . . . )

Advice #2:  When at all possible, make sure that grandchildren get their naps.  Put them to bed at their regular bedtimes.  Children who don’t get enough sleep are cranky.  Grandmas who don’t get enough sleep are cranky.

Advice #3:  YOU are the one who is in control.  YOU are the adult.  Don’t be buffaloed by your innocently smiling grandson who says that ‘mommy lets me smear peanut butter all over the brand new carpet in the living room.’  Come on.   Use common sense.

If you didn’t let your children swing from the chandelier, I’m sure you don’t want your grandchildren doing it either.  While you don’t want to be such a stick in the mud that grandchildren can’t do anything in your home, you don’t have to let them wreck it either.  They need to learn things such as running is an outside activity — and not in your home; wiping the mud off their feet on the outdoor mat is what they do  — and not tracking it in mindlessly all over the place.  Things like that.

Advice #4:  Talk to your children and their spouses.  Find out their feelings on different issues.  (Hopefully it can be a calm, adult conversation.)  That way, you can come to an agreement on issues such as these.  And hopefully that will negate your child from posting an angry video about you for the whole world to see.

You know, I wondered just why that daughter felt so compelled to rant so very publicly about her feelings.  I wondered why she just didn’t talk to her mother . . .

When you have the discussion, do it with gentleness and love and without any criticism on anybody’s part.  After all, parents and grandparents love those little rug rats.  And they both want what’s best for them.

Grandparents just need to use common sense . . .

My friend Denise, from Payson, Utah, shared her ideas about Grandma Camp which were great ideas for great fun! She has shared more of her ideas with me. She said:

“Relax. Don’t be uptight all the time. Always make your lap available. Be willing to take your grandchild on your lap for a hug, a snuggle, a chat, a story, or for a loving moment. Don’t choreograph every event or gathering because it never works out the way you planned. (Note from Digi-Gram: And, when it doesn’t work out like you planned, don’t get uptight about it!)

“When you have your grandchildren over for an extended time, you ought to have a family information sheet for each of your grandchildren. The information sheet should include things such as insurance information, allergies, medications, doctors name and number. It would be a good idea, too, to have a release for treatment in the event you need to take a grandchild to the hospital. (Which I hope you never have to do!!)

“Another suggestion is to get the schedule of your grandchildren’s baseball or basketball or football games. That way you will know when they are. Then, you have the option of going to the game if you are available.

“Also, be definite about your cookie jar rule. Does it stay off limits until after dinner? When and how often can the grandchildren get a cookie? Also, you need to let your grandchildren know where they can eat their treats or have food in your home. If you don’t want them eating food in the living room, the grandchildren need to know this. Make sure the grandchildren respect the grandma’s home. (Note from Digi-Gram: Discuss this with your kids so that when your children are at your home with their children, they will support you in the rules of your home. The reverse of this applies, too. Know the rules of your children’s home and support them in their rules.)

“Another thing. If the parents (your children) have specific rules about what they don’t want their kids to eat, grandma needs to honor that. (From Digi-Gram: For example, if they don’t want their kids to chew gum, you need to respect that and not give your grandchildren gum. Or, if the parents don’t want your grandchildren to have lots of sweets and sugar, make sure that you don’t gorge your grandchildren with sugary goodies.)

“We publish a birthday list for all of the family to have. We also publish a family events and traditions page. For example, we always watch the 4th of July fireworks from our son’s porch. We go down to our property the first week-end in April, and the first week-end in October for a camp out. We always have a bowling tournament in February with prizes and trophies. We give prizes to the ones who bowled a high score without using bumpers, to the person with the high score using bumpers, and the person with the highest score for a series of games. The overall winner gets a trophy that is a clock with a bowling pin. That prize gets rotated to the next year’s winner.

“I had an agreement with my mother that worked out well for us. If I needed a babysitter and my mother was available to babysit that would be fine. But if my mother didn’t feel like babysitting, she could say no and I would not be offended.

“I also want to leave my grandchildren my will of ethics. I want them to know that I support local politics, that I am honest and work hard and that I will follow through with what I said I would do. I want to instill in them my religious beliefs. And most important, I want them to know that family is very important.”

Wonderful ideas, Grandma Denise. Thank you so much for sharing them!

Digi-Gram

Darlene T. from Salem, Utah, wrote to me to share some of her ideas about being a grandmother. She said:

“One thing that I learned from observance is just to love the grandkids. Our job is not to discipline — just to love. That doesn’t mean that we can’t teach or set right examples, but we don’t have to make discipline the main focus. My mother tried to just discipline and some of my kids ended up with bad vibes. So just love them.

“One thing that I do is to have a “birthday dinner” for them at their birthday time. They can choose the entire menu, get to use a red plate, and get sung to. I do buy them a gift, but I don’t give it to them at their birthday dinner which I have on the Sunday before their birthday. Everyone is excited to sing and see what their menu is. Because of this year being a little different (note: Darlene fell while skiing and broke her hip), my one granddaughter did not get her birthday dinner. When she and her mom (my daughter) were helping me shower and get dressed when I got home from the hospital, she mentioned that she does not feel like she was 9 years old. It dawned on me that she has not had her “Oreo” cake that she requested and has not been sung to. Her birthday is still not complete.

“Another thing that I have tried to do but have not done every year is holding “Grandma’s Summer Camp.” At first, I let little ones in diapers come, but now with so many (we now have 28 grandchildren) I only invite those that are potty-trained and those who can swim. (Note: Darlene has a swimming pool at her home.) We do lots of fun things such as horseback riding, swimming, and participating in the Spanish Fork children’s parade, which means we have to make a float. One year my 5 year old grandson walked a llama in the parade. (Note: Darlene and her husband have an assortment of unusual animals and that was where her grandson had access to a llama!)

“I ‘baby-sit’ every Tuesday for my daughter that works that one day a week. I really look forward to it because all I really do is just pick up Justin from kindergarten at noon, and then we do errands. He gets in the car and says, “How many stops, Grandma?” I try to make them fun stops. He likes Costco, going to a candy store, and of course Carl’s Jr. Then I go to their home and help the older kids with homework especially the 2nd grader with spelling words. We just make a game of it and have a great time.

“But as I said earlier, the main thing is just to love and accept them. I wish I would have done that with my own kids- — just give undivided attention and make games of it. Maybe that is why grandmas are good.”

Ideas that I loved:

• Having a special red plate for the birthday grandchild to use for the birthday dinner
• Making a float and participating in a children’s parade
• Grandma’s summer camp
• Making errands fun when you have a grandchild accompanying you

Well, I’m off to buy a special red plate!
Digi-Gram

I got a lovely letter from JoAnne, from Mission Viejo California, sharing what she does with her toddler grandson. JoAnne writes:

“First, I am fortunate enough to have a very good relationship with my daughter. Maintaining that is very important. I also have to be aware of my daughter’s spouse and not step on anyone’s toes. Before the baby was born, I came to visit them. At the time I lived out of state but now I live 40 minutes away. Anyway, I spent the week complementing them on the work they did in the nursery, how beautiful my daughter looked pregnant, and my giddy joy at becoming a grandma. I made that visit without my husband, which gave us some precious mother-daughter time.

I try to remember what I would have liked to hear when I was pregnant and a new mom. I expressed confidence in my daughter’s ability to be a great mom. I bought the nursery set as a gift to my new grandson, but I carefully stepped back and let the parents decide the style and finish. When they asked for my opinion, I steered them to a more expensive set that had features that I thought they would appreciate later. But I only give an opinion when I am asked. I think that my most importate role as a grandma is to provide unconditional love to my grandchild and to his parents.

“Here are some of the things we do now with our 22 month old little boy. Kaden is a typical busy toddler, so he is happiest when we explore the world in a physical way. Trips to various neighborhood parks are a staple. Grandma brings something to dig with and a dump truck or a bucket along with a healthy snack.

“When we are there, I play repetitive games with him. He never tires of going down a slide when I am waiting at the bottom with applause and encouragement. He is a little afraid of swings at this time, so I ask him if he wants to go on the swings after he has had time to play with other equipment for a while. If he says no, I drop it. If he says yes, I ask him if he wants me to push him. If he says yes, I am careful to watch his reaction and push him very gently. I want him to know that it is safe to try new things when he is with me.

“My daughter lives near Long Beach, CA and there is a wonderful aquarium there. It is one of Kaden’s most favorite places, so my husband and I bought annual passes so that we can go anytime, even if it is just for an hour. He loves going to the zoo, so we bring a picnic lunch and go at a very slow pace.

“Another thing that he loves is going for walks around his neighborhood. We stop to touch and smell everything he encounters like leaves and parked cars. We also visit briefly with everyone we meet on our walks. I have learned to be prepared for these walks by taking his stroller or a little car that pushes like a stroller. He either pushes it or walks with me when I push it, but about half of the time he is tired at the farthest point of our walk. I put him in the stroller or car and make a game of racing him home or flying him home. I make the sound effects and narration and he laughs.

“I babysit him one evening and one day a week. The evening gives his parents a “date night” and I get to give him his bath, read him his “night-night story” and cuddle him. He is asleep by 7 pm. The following day I keep him out of day care and we have a play day. At least part of the day we are outside, and I am on the floor with him the rest of the day. I love it, and Kaden knows me and associates fun things with my being with him.”

There were two things that JoAnne mentioned that really impressed me. The first was how she complimented her son-in-law and her daughter. There isn’t any better way to strengthen a relationship than by praising family members on what they are doing well. The other thing was that she expressed confidence in her daughter’s ability to be a great mother. What comfort that can be to a prospective mother — in fact to ANY mother at any stage!

Thanks for sharing, JoAnne!
Digi-Gram